this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
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The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize