and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
