1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
