HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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