U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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