Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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