I just pynch a tree in the face
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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