my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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