I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
