every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
