Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
