we're chasing vodka with high fives
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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