I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
