She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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