you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
