He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
