The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
