you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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