So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He felt like a one man threesome
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
