He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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