Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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