you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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