How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
