Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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