Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
