and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
