"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.