My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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