It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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