In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
