Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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