we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
