im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
