I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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