My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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