A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
