I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The air was thick with penises
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
