can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
