Soap is not a condiment
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
