someone threw a dead crab at me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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