It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
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Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
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I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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