I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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