I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo