you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day