Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.