There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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