Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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