At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
