she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
