Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
