dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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