I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
