It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
