I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
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