i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
