so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
