my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
