nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
