I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
