I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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