Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
